Existential angst and doubt

My main problem at the moment is "the meaning of life": I often feel as though humans are simply a species of animal, whose intuitions, instincts, emotions and so on are simply a product of evolution, driving us towards reproduction, the continuation of the species, etc. Negative emotions and behaviours have been explained in this way: greed, jealousy, desire for money etc seem fairly clearly to be related to our more animalistic evolutionary past, propelling us to protect our territory and ensure the survival of our genes.

However, even positive emotions and mental states are arguably useful for the same purposes: a compassionate act, for example, in the form that most humans experience and act upon it, gets us into another person's good books, and they are likely to repay us with some act of kindness at a later date. Society and community seem equally indispensable to the survival of the species. These things have been investigated and shown in psychological studies. I have yet to meet a human being displaying qualities of "pure" compassion, i.e. not wanting or expecting, somewhere, unconsciously, a repayment of kindness in some way.

What I'm trying to ask, is are we really anything more than complicated animals with over-developed brains capable of perceiving our existence and our death, caught in a kind of absurd, but not untrue, perception of existence, striving for some kind of meaning when in fact there either may not be any? Or if there is some reason for our being, it is unknowable.

I feel very confused and, please excuse the pretentious-sounding term, existentially depressed, about the whole issue of.... well, life...!!

Zen and Buddhism have been the "schools of thought" / teachings that, for me, have come closest to an answer, but I have such very severe doubts about meditation practice and whether it really can bring us any answers, or whether it's just a particularly relaxing form of auto-suggestion.

What happens after death?

Lately I've been thinking a lot about death.

And trying to find out what a Buddhist view on death might be.

A quick internet search brings up countless pages of stuff about rebirth, the continuity of consciousness, karmic repercussions in the next life, hell realms, hungry ghosts, the possibility of deathlessness through positive actions and meditation, the promise of escape from the Samsaric cycle of birth and death.

My main question is this: do the amateur bloggers (like me), the teachers, monks, lay practitioners and so on who talk about what happens after death actually, genuinely know what they're talking about? Have they come to such realisations through meditation and genuine knowing? Or have they come to their conclusions through studying texts and deciding to adopt a certain set of beliefs?


This, to me, is an important question. So far in my meditation I have discovered no truths or certainties about what might happen after death. All I know is that I will die one day. In fact, my meditation practice, combined with general contemplation about life, plus a few more life experiences added to my belt, have led me to a place of even greater uncertainty about what it's all about. Not in a bad way, really, just more uncertain. Perhaps it would be better, and more honest, to accept this uncertainty with a confident, agnostic "I don't know" than to adopt certain beliefs or ideas about what happens when you cease to exist.

I suppose my confusion serves me right for expecting to find answers to life's turbulence and uncertainty on google.



See these links for examples of so-called Buddhist beliefs about what happens after death:


http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/walshe/wheel261.html
http://www.death-and-dying.org/understanding-rebirth.htm/

See this for what I perceive to be a realistic and honest view on death:

http://www.westernchanfellowship.org/agnostic-buddhist.html

Things I want to write about

•  the concept of and the word "spirituality"
• reincarnation
• the crossover between psychology and spirituality
• morality
• existentialism and Buddhism

These topics are all things that come and go from my mind and turn round and round in there like in a washing machine. At the moment, they feel a bit like massive double bedspreads that you don't want to take out of the washing machine because you know the're going to take some grappling with before you can get them in some kind of order.

Basically, they're big subjects and I would like to deal with them properly (as they stand in my current understanding of things) rather than just banging out something quick because it's been a few days since I posted.

Watch this space...

sick of buddhism, REALLY REALLY REALLY sick of it.

I tell you what, I'm really, really, really sick of Buddhism. REALLY sick of it.


Here's what I've read recently. This is what makes me fucking miserable. This is why I'm depressed. This is why I spend hours in floods of tears.

Oh, sorry, of course, it's not these things that make me feel like this, it's my mind. Oh, well, thank you very much. Very helpful. Please just leave me alone.

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“From a Buddhist perspective, real Buddhism and not American Psychological Buddhism, then compassion for one's self is simply more of the same; ignorance.”
- oh, so compassion isn't any good now? right.

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All the Buddhist teachers I’ve read say that you don’t need to change your circumstances, that enlightenment is right here, right now. Etc etc etc.

So why are they all monks or nuns? Why, if enlightenment and happiness are available to people in their circumstances right here, right now, why have they all become monks and nuns?!

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I read this in an interview with Ajahn somebody or other, one of the Thai forest monks who aren't allowed to cook their own food, look at anything beautiful or sleep for more than 5 hours a night.

“Have you ever regretted becoming a monk?”
- he says that last year a friend came over to visit him and was telling him about how his old friends back home were getting on. Divorces, job losses, financial difficulties, disappointments. He said “no, I don’t regret for one minute becoming a monk.”

- so basically in order to not have disappointments and suffering in life, you have to become a monk. Buddhist teachings can say all they like. It's in the practitioners who philosophise and sermonise that the real worth of it is shown.

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Let's not forget the Buddhist teachers accused of rape, alcoholism, the ones that have/had numerous affairs with students, some abusive, some not. And I wouldn't want to leave out the ones who abandon their children at critical points in their lives, leave their parents in tears and suffering, in order to go and "benefit all living beings" by sitting on their arses in a Thai forest for days on end.

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I’ve got this obsession with becoming a Buddhist nun – how the hell am I supposed to know if it’s an OCD-type obsession or if it’s something I should actually go with.

If my instincts aren’t clear (see above) maybe I should think about it more rationally. Now is not a good time – I’ve not been studying Buddhism for very long, blah blah blah. But Pema Chodron hadn’t been studying it for very long before she became a nun. One year, in fact.

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The Buddha found that riches, wealth etc weren’t going to make him happy, so he abandoned them.

So Buddhism tells me that music, sport, friendship, food, sleeping, etc etc etc aren’t going to make me ultimately happy. Does that mean I should abandon them? Riiiiight.

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http://www.prairiewindzen.org/renunciation.html

so this guy says he was really confused about lay / monastic life. Says the same things as me. Then he became a monk as well. Great.

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probably the reason I’m “not ready” to renounce and to become a nun is that I’m just too full of attachments, delusions, conditionings etc. I’m just too spiritually immature, bless me, so I’ve got to give myself time. With, of course, the idea in mind that eventually I’ll free myself of music, friends, family, art, sunshine, food, cups of tea and whatever other external factors that distract me from the meaning of life. In the meantime, having been told that I’ve got to give myself time to rid myself of these delusions, how do you suggest that I go about getting on with life, enjoying these things? Or do you suggest I just put up with them until I’m free of them?….. what???
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All I ever wanted in life was a happy relationship, some good friends, a hobby or two and some children later on. no doubt this is just delusion, delusion that external factors such as partners and children will make me happy,so i should renounce them.

as one buddhist teacher (can'tremember who) said when describing her marriage and having her children before becoming a monastic, "Samsara beckoned" - ahh right, so having a marriage and children is just part of the cycle of worldly suffering...right... best become a nun then.

what the fuck is this about compassion? some of these things really really really hurt me...some of these things are said in such a cruel way. i suppose buddhists would tell me that ultimately it's compassionate cos it's making me see the reality of the impermanence of things. just leave me alone, please.
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Yeah, I'm depressed, ok. I'm going to see a shrink soon. I'll tell you how it goes. Something tells me this will be far more beneficial for me in coming out of this GODAWFUL state than any kind of Buddhist stories or "advice" telling me that the things I enjoy, the things that stop me from getting into this state in the first place, are ultimately pointless.