Panic attack

So one day a week or so ago I had a nasty experience after meditation.

I had done a 40 minute metta bhavana (development of loving kindness) meditation during the evening, and all was well. But when I went to bed everything looked and felt weird. My head felt heavier than normal. My curtains and the pictures on my wall looked bigger and darker and different. The silhouette of my bedside lamp in the dark looked utterly strange against the white curtain with the moonlight coming through. I felt detached from myself, from my body. Panic started to well up inside me so I turned the light on. The square shape of my room, the corners of the ceiling, looked sharp and heavy, and the little specks of paint on the wall seemed to be moving the more I stared at them.

All sorts of stuff started running through my mind. My train of thought went something like this, as far as I can remember: "I'm a consciousness inside my head and I'm going to be with this consciousness for 50 or 60 years more, then I'm going to die. My mum is going to die, and my dad too, and suffering is ahead of me in life.... Ssshhhh, you don't need to deal with that now. You're freaking out because the curtains look weird. Don't think about dying right now. Shit, shit, I forgot to breathe. I'm going to suddenly stop breathing and die. I must keep control, cos I'm freaking out and when I'm freaking out I'm frightened that I'll do something totally crazy like smother myself or bang my head against the wall. Don't move. Don't move. Arrrggghhh this is what they say in Buddhism, that everything is impermanent and not accepting that makes us suffer, so I need to get over my fear of dying right now or I'm gonna be freaking out like this until I'm 80. OK so we're all going to die. I can accept that. ARRGGGHHHH the wall is moving...." and so on and so on.

It went on like that for about twenty minutes (though I'm not really sure) and eventually I put on some Mozart, focused on that, calmed down and went to sleep.

The generally accepted Buddhist interpretation of this would perhaps be that I was facing some kind of reality, i.e. that of death and non-self, and that I could have learnt something from that experience, looked fear right in the face and seen it for what it was: delusion. This, anyway, is what I suspect many Buddhists might say.

The generally accepted modern psychological interpretation of this would perhaps be that I had a panic attack and that it's perhaps not a good idea to do meditation just before going to bed.

I am concerned that the reason some Buddhists would assure me that the Buddhist interpretation of my experience is truer is that it fits nice and squarely with Buddhist teachings, rather than the person in question having had any real experience of panic attack or genuinely knowing what the best thing to do is.

I sometimes get the impression that some people might be tempted not to look at each situation and think about what genuinely would be the healthiest thing for the person who is asking for advice to do, but rather to give a nice, wise-sounding Buddhisty answer, something along the lines of "face your fear and you will see through it" or "you fear losing control because you are attached to control."

Maybe there is some truth in those statements, but I say in response to that advice: go and have a panic attack, see how it feels, then come back and tell me what to do.

Happiness in a French baguette

Today I got up at a reasonable time (9.30am is revolutionary for me, honestly), went for a slow walk to get a baguette (I am living in France, after all) and some breakfast stuff, came back and ate it, meditated for five short minutes, and now I feel great.

Could it be like this every day?

OK, I've got to remember that this sudden feeling of well-being is not permanent, but I'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts, I tell you.

sick of buddhism, REALLY REALLY REALLY sick of it.

I tell you what, I'm really, really, really sick of Buddhism. REALLY sick of it.


Here's what I've read recently. This is what makes me fucking miserable. This is why I'm depressed. This is why I spend hours in floods of tears.

Oh, sorry, of course, it's not these things that make me feel like this, it's my mind. Oh, well, thank you very much. Very helpful. Please just leave me alone.

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“From a Buddhist perspective, real Buddhism and not American Psychological Buddhism, then compassion for one's self is simply more of the same; ignorance.”
- oh, so compassion isn't any good now? right.

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All the Buddhist teachers I’ve read say that you don’t need to change your circumstances, that enlightenment is right here, right now. Etc etc etc.

So why are they all monks or nuns? Why, if enlightenment and happiness are available to people in their circumstances right here, right now, why have they all become monks and nuns?!

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I read this in an interview with Ajahn somebody or other, one of the Thai forest monks who aren't allowed to cook their own food, look at anything beautiful or sleep for more than 5 hours a night.

“Have you ever regretted becoming a monk?”
- he says that last year a friend came over to visit him and was telling him about how his old friends back home were getting on. Divorces, job losses, financial difficulties, disappointments. He said “no, I don’t regret for one minute becoming a monk.”

- so basically in order to not have disappointments and suffering in life, you have to become a monk. Buddhist teachings can say all they like. It's in the practitioners who philosophise and sermonise that the real worth of it is shown.

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Let's not forget the Buddhist teachers accused of rape, alcoholism, the ones that have/had numerous affairs with students, some abusive, some not. And I wouldn't want to leave out the ones who abandon their children at critical points in their lives, leave their parents in tears and suffering, in order to go and "benefit all living beings" by sitting on their arses in a Thai forest for days on end.

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I’ve got this obsession with becoming a Buddhist nun – how the hell am I supposed to know if it’s an OCD-type obsession or if it’s something I should actually go with.

If my instincts aren’t clear (see above) maybe I should think about it more rationally. Now is not a good time – I’ve not been studying Buddhism for very long, blah blah blah. But Pema Chodron hadn’t been studying it for very long before she became a nun. One year, in fact.

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The Buddha found that riches, wealth etc weren’t going to make him happy, so he abandoned them.

So Buddhism tells me that music, sport, friendship, food, sleeping, etc etc etc aren’t going to make me ultimately happy. Does that mean I should abandon them? Riiiiight.

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http://www.prairiewindzen.org/renunciation.html

so this guy says he was really confused about lay / monastic life. Says the same things as me. Then he became a monk as well. Great.

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probably the reason I’m “not ready” to renounce and to become a nun is that I’m just too full of attachments, delusions, conditionings etc. I’m just too spiritually immature, bless me, so I’ve got to give myself time. With, of course, the idea in mind that eventually I’ll free myself of music, friends, family, art, sunshine, food, cups of tea and whatever other external factors that distract me from the meaning of life. In the meantime, having been told that I’ve got to give myself time to rid myself of these delusions, how do you suggest that I go about getting on with life, enjoying these things? Or do you suggest I just put up with them until I’m free of them?….. what???
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All I ever wanted in life was a happy relationship, some good friends, a hobby or two and some children later on. no doubt this is just delusion, delusion that external factors such as partners and children will make me happy,so i should renounce them.

as one buddhist teacher (can'tremember who) said when describing her marriage and having her children before becoming a monastic, "Samsara beckoned" - ahh right, so having a marriage and children is just part of the cycle of worldly suffering...right... best become a nun then.

what the fuck is this about compassion? some of these things really really really hurt me...some of these things are said in such a cruel way. i suppose buddhists would tell me that ultimately it's compassionate cos it's making me see the reality of the impermanence of things. just leave me alone, please.
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Yeah, I'm depressed, ok. I'm going to see a shrink soon. I'll tell you how it goes. Something tells me this will be far more beneficial for me in coming out of this GODAWFUL state than any kind of Buddhist stories or "advice" telling me that the things I enjoy, the things that stop me from getting into this state in the first place, are ultimately pointless.