I think it is important for people to know a little bit about the background of the people they interact with, the people they take advice from, the people they listen to and the people they counsel. Everybody's current actions and thoughts are at least partly dependent on the set of circumstances that has brought them to their current position. By "set of circumstances" I mean family background, childhood, education, genetic makeup, among other things that currently don't spring to mind.
So here is a brief synopsis of my life as I currently see it:
I was born in June 1984 to loving, liberal, educated parents. I am an only child. I think I was quite a shy child, but by my parents' accounts I had nice friends and enjoyed life. I have mixed memories of childhood. I remember going to visit my grandparents (on both sides of the family) and loving it. I always looked forward to the food they prepared, as well as getting out all the old toys and photos from my parents' childhoods. I loved Christmases in particular. I am very lucky to have had such a loving and caring childhood. I do, however, recall being very anxious as a child. I was particularly anxious in social situations, at school and in groups of people I was unfamiliar with. I also remember having some fairly dark thoughts (dark, at least for a seven year old!) and being disturbed by that. Thinking about it, nothing much has changed! I still experience fairly severe social anxiety in some situations, my mind is often a source of darkness to me, and I still love Christmas.
In terms of my education, I was one of the smart ones at school, getting good marks and top of the class and all that. I remember developing an interest in philosophy from quite a young age, even without really knowing what it was. I hated science at school and I remember asking my physics teacher if we could study metaphysics instead of electrical circuit boards or whatever it was we were doing that day. I loved languages and developed a love for French, which I ended up studying at university. I went to Oxford university, which was a mixed experience for me. My first year was pretty miserable, second year was better, and my last two years were great. After leaving university I did a teaching course, allowing me to teach English as a foreign language, and that is what I am doing now, career-wise.
Relationships have been an important yet pretty difficult part of my life so far. I met and fell absolutely head over heels for my first love when I was 17. It feels like a long time ago now. I remember being totally besotted, and, as is often the case with first loves, I was completely floored when we broke up. I stayed on the sofa for two weeks, couldn't eat and couldn't work. It was a few months later that I started to develop attractions for other people but it took me several years to really recover from that experience. During that period of vulnerability, I developed an unhealthy obsession with an older woman, which also lasted for several years. Nothing ever became of it, which is no doubt a blessing. In my first year at university, I dated two people, a girl then a boy. At the time, I was confused, depressed, anxious and wasn't my kindest, most generous self. In my second year at university I had a year-long relationship with a very lovely guy. Something wasn't right, though. My heart wasn't in it, I wasn't ready to settle down, I was insecure about my sexual orientation, he was very jealous - all of those things contributed to the end of that relationship. In my third year at university, I dated a girl for around 8 months. That didn't work out. In my fourth year at university, I dated another girl for about 6 months. Her emotional troubles collided spectacularly with mine and, needless to say, that didn't work out! I was pretty devastated after that relationship, but moved on. Last year I had a 12-month relationship with a guy who was almost the opposite of my troubled former girlfriend. We became great friends and the relationship was lovely for a decent time. For various reasons, though, it was wise to let it fall apart. This summer I met a guy who I fell for very quickly, who seemed to be a perfect balance of all my ex-partners. Kind, compassionate, funny, a little bit neurotic but not too much so. I thought "Wow!" then he broke it off, very suddenly and unexpectedly, because of unresolved psychological issues that he has. So now I'm single, and enjoying a bit of emotional peace at the moment! I don't mean all this to sound negative, it's just that, obviously, given that I'm currently single, all my past relationships haven't worked out for one reason or another!
My own psychological health has been up and down, though I am thankful to say that I've never experienced any of the big psychological disorders like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. I've had patches of depression and have experienced anxiety on and off for a long time. I was diagnosed with OCD a couple of years ago. That can be fairly grim, even though in my case it's not life-threatening or debilitating, at least in practical terms of getting on with life, going to work and functioning in the world.
I see myself as a very lucky person. I have parents who love me and wish for my happiness, and for me it's extremely important to remember that and to try and appreciate it. I have some wonderful friends, all different from each other, and this enriches my life a lot. I'm grateful for my material well-being, my family, friends, my education and the fact that I'm still young and have time to explore things and enjoy life.
So - that's my background. All of my current thoughts and quests are products and ongoing features of the things I've mentioned above. In writing this long post now, I hope to avoid whittering on in later posts about events in my earlier life.
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