I tell you what, I'm really, really, really sick of Buddhism. REALLY sick of it.
Here's what I've read recently. This is what makes me fucking miserable. This is why I'm depressed. This is why I spend hours in floods of tears.
Oh, sorry, of course, it's not these things that make me feel like this, it's my mind. Oh, well, thank you very much. Very helpful. Please just leave me alone.
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“From a Buddhist perspective, real Buddhism and not American Psychological Buddhism, then compassion for one's self is simply more of the same; ignorance.”
- oh, so compassion isn't any good now? right.
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All the Buddhist teachers I’ve read say that you don’t need to change your circumstances, that enlightenment is right here, right now. Etc etc etc.
So why are they all monks or nuns? Why, if enlightenment and happiness are available to people in their circumstances right here, right now, why have they all become monks and nuns?!
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I read this in an interview with Ajahn somebody or other, one of the Thai forest monks who aren't allowed to cook their own food, look at anything beautiful or sleep for more than 5 hours a night.
“Have you ever regretted becoming a monk?”
- he says that last year a friend came over to visit him and was telling him about how his old friends back home were getting on. Divorces, job losses, financial difficulties, disappointments. He said “no, I don’t regret for one minute becoming a monk.”
- so basically in order to not have disappointments and suffering in life, you have to become a monk. Buddhist teachings can say all they like. It's in the practitioners who philosophise and sermonise that the real worth of it is shown.
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Let's not forget the Buddhist teachers accused of rape, alcoholism, the ones that have/had numerous affairs with students, some abusive, some not. And I wouldn't want to leave out the ones who abandon their children at critical points in their lives, leave their parents in tears and suffering, in order to go and "benefit all living beings" by sitting on their arses in a Thai forest for days on end.
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I’ve got this obsession with becoming a Buddhist nun – how the hell am I supposed to know if it’s an OCD-type obsession or if it’s something I should actually go with.
If my instincts aren’t clear (see above) maybe I should think about it more rationally. Now is not a good time – I’ve not been studying Buddhism for very long, blah blah blah. But Pema Chodron hadn’t been studying it for very long before she became a nun. One year, in fact.
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The Buddha found that riches, wealth etc weren’t going to make him happy, so he abandoned them.
So Buddhism tells me that music, sport, friendship, food, sleeping, etc etc etc aren’t going to make me ultimately happy. Does that mean I should abandon them? Riiiiight.
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http://www.prairiewindzen.org/renunciation.html
so this guy says he was really confused about lay / monastic life. Says the same things as me. Then he became a monk as well. Great.
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probably the reason I’m “not ready” to renounce and to become a nun is that I’m just too full of attachments, delusions, conditionings etc. I’m just too spiritually immature, bless me, so I’ve got to give myself time. With, of course, the idea in mind that eventually I’ll free myself of music, friends, family, art, sunshine, food, cups of tea and whatever other external factors that distract me from the meaning of life. In the meantime, having been told that I’ve got to give myself time to rid myself of these delusions, how do you suggest that I go about getting on with life, enjoying these things? Or do you suggest I just put up with them until I’m free of them?….. what???
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All I ever wanted in life was a happy relationship, some good friends, a hobby or two and some children later on. no doubt this is just delusion, delusion that external factors such as partners and children will make me happy,so i should renounce them.
as one buddhist teacher (can'tremember who) said when describing her marriage and having her children before becoming a monastic, "Samsara beckoned" - ahh right, so having a marriage and children is just part of the cycle of worldly suffering...right... best become a nun then.
what the fuck is this about compassion? some of these things really really really hurt me...some of these things are said in such a cruel way. i suppose buddhists would tell me that ultimately it's compassionate cos it's making me see the reality of the impermanence of things. just leave me alone, please.
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Yeah, I'm depressed, ok. I'm going to see a shrink soon. I'll tell you how it goes. Something tells me this will be far more beneficial for me in coming out of this GODAWFUL state than any kind of Buddhist stories or "advice" telling me that the things I enjoy, the things that stop me from getting into this state in the first place, are ultimately pointless.
4 days ago
- "From a Buddhist perspective, real Buddhism and not American Psychological Buddhism, then compassion for one's self is simply more of the same; ignorance."
ReplyDeleteCompassion is for ALL sentient beings, including oneself. That shouldn't be mistaken with self indulgence.
- "Why, if enlightenment and happiness are available to people in their circumstances right here, right now, why have they all become monks and nuns?".
Because for most people it takes thousands of hours on the cushion to realize in a relatively sustained way that freedom is right here, right now. Hence the years spent in monasteries or alone. Ultimately they're right. But if these monastics are wise, they'll never tell you that you don't need to spend time within a simpified life context like monasteries. Withdrawal is a necessary phase initally for everyone, and not necessary in a monastery. After your skills become stronger you can get back into the world and spell your knowledge. Another choice is to stay in the world but making sure that the conditions of your life are comfortable enough to not make you regress on your transformation path.
- "Divorces, job losses, financial difficulties, disappointments. He said “no, I don’t regret for one minute becoming a monk.”
In Theravada culture there seems to be a notion sometimes that the likelihood of freeing oneself from ego for a lay man is small, considering a life context that doesn't invite you to presence, wisdom, compassion, etc… This is in a way confirmed by the fact that lay people rarely have a real dharma practice in South East Asia, with daily meditations, regular retreats, and so on… It IS admittedly more difficult to experience a real spiritual change in a non-monastic life. As a result, that Thai monk was referring to the notion that as a non monastic person, he would still cling to everything in an ever changing world and therefore would be miserable. Again that's based on the idea that outside monasteries there can't be a sincere dharma practice. But some non monastic people's life happen to challenge that idea…
- "Let's not forget the Buddhist teachers accused of rape, alcoholism, the ones that have/had numerous affairs with students, some abusive, some not."
ReplyDeleteThat's because monastic life, by artificially putting aside essential areas of a human life (sexuality, work, family,…) buries both the genuine natural needs of people, and also their neurotic ones. You can bury and ignore them for some time, after a while they may (or may not if you're lucky) arise in the most unworthy or even criminal way. Both need to be dealt with in a way or another. Ultimately, monastic life IS a form of clinging (to the comfort of silence and not dealing with the complexity of the world, the safety of not being challenged or threatened by wicked behaviours,…), but again it's a great opportunity to get the skills that will make you able to go back in the world and free people in return. There's an old buddhist saying, I can't remember word for word, "when the monk becomes free, he returns to his family".
- "Buddhism tells me that music, sport, friendship, food, sleeping, etc etc etc aren’t going to make me ultimately happy. Does that mean I should abandon them? Riiiiight."
There's a logic problem in this text. I can't get A with B therefore I should avoid B. Mmm… Music, sport, friendship, and so on are temporary fix. You need inner transformation to appreciate them in a less clinging way. That doesn't mean that music, sport, friendship,… are bad as such. Ignore the suffering consciousness that experiences music, sport and the rest, and your life will be a constant struggle for these temporary fixes that temporarily relieve the underlying suffering. If that's your path, then good luck my friend!
- "Yeah, I'm depressed, ok. I'm going to see a shrink soon".
Being depressed is not enjoyable as such unless you've developped skills to be with it with the quality of presence that we're having in formal meditation. But there's a way of having a more positive outlook at it that can maybe support your Dharma practice. One thing is that it's by nature a temporary thing, and although it's likely to come back many times, it's not a constant state, keep that impermanence of "bad trip" in mind. Depression can also be a great motivation for inner change. People that are having a better time than you are often less likely to make efforts to deeply free themselves. It can also be an opportunity to enquire and discern what better lifestyle can help you avoid more suffering.
My 2 cents… See you soon.
Olivier.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Katy. Since i don't know you, i can't tell you want is good and what is bad for you, what to do and what not to do. But I want to say THANKS for being honest. Nice blog too and a cool teddy you have there. May you be happy.
ReplyDeleteAll of the "Buddhist stories” and "advice" and "teachings" you have described here are Bullshit; Bullshit is common among people who practice what they claim is “Buddhism”, but is not what the Buddha taught.
ReplyDeleteYour confusion is healthy.
Hi Olivier
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughtful comments - I really appreciate it. I've read what you wrote a few times now and am thinking about it :-)
See ya soon
Katy
Hi The Buddha Within
ReplyDeleteThanks for your kind words!
:-)
Hi The Kidd
ReplyDeleteI'm curious to know - are you a Buddhist?
It's kinda difficult...well, impossible.... to find out what the Buddha taught, as nothing he ever said was written down until long after his death, right? (pls correct me if I'm wrong)
Katy
Hi Katy,
ReplyDeleteI believe what the Buddha taught. He only taught the truth.
People who say they are Buddhists, generally follow one of the religious offshoots of his teachings (Tibetan, Zen, etc.). I do not.
What he said was memorized by groups of ‘monks’ (followers) who recognized its value and importance for understanding themselves, each other, and their lives. These memorizations provided an oral record of what he taught, which was not written down until 500 years after his death.
Some of these teachings are quite near their original form, some are purely legend (stories relating some aspect of his teachings, but in a playful, myth-like way). None of this is particularly difficult to understand.
However, as the original teachings spread to various cultures, they were blended with traditions that existed in those cultures (Tibet, China, Japan, etc.) and used to justify those traditions. As a consequence, much of what he taught, exists in these distorted forms, today. The very things that you wrote about, that upset you, and correctly so, are not true, and are not what the Buddha taught.
Remember, that what the Buddha taught, he said (and truly so), can be confirmed with your own common sense.
When I read what you wrote, I wanted you to know that your instincts were correct.
What you have described, and especially what you described as upsetting you, truly is upsetting; it is upsetting that anyone would teach such things to anyone else, especially claiming to help them by doing so; and, it is upsetting to see the Buddha's words distorted by what can only be some teacher’s selfish intent.
Kidd